Remus Lupin is NOT a girl
by Lahel
Summary: Instead of believing that Remus Lupin is a werewolf, Lily Evans convinced herself that "he" is a "she". Unfortunately, Snape overheard. Expect some blackmail-worthy embarrassment on their parts to come.
1. Chapter 1

**Harry Potter does not belong to me, nor do any of the characters. Not sure if there's a fic like this already, probably there is. This is just going to be short and sweet, maybe 3 chapters.**

"Remus, I have to speak with you."

The entire Grand Hall turned silent. The Marauders were in shock as well. What could Lily Evans, the _perfect_ student, have to do with one of the biggest troublemakers in the school?

James simply **glowed** with envy.

Lily took Moony by the hand and out the doors. One Severus Snape, unnoticed by others, followed.

The other Marauders turned to each other. "Well, that was strange," said Wormtail. Prongs shot him an angry look, and eventually the hall was once again filled with talking and laughter.

?! ?! ?! ?! ?! ?! ?! ?!

Lily took Moony into an empty classroom. Snape remained outside, hidden.

"I know your secret!" she blurted.

Snape leaned in closer to the door.

"I've been having suspicions ever since we first met. Once a month, you'd be gone for a few days, and all of the Marauders will attempt to cover for you. And the way you look was a big giveaway."

Moony held his breath. So did Severus.

"You're a girl, aren't you?"

Moony's eyes grew wide with shock. "Th-that is **not** true!"

"It all makes sense, way more than my 'werewolf' theory at least. I mean, you probably get really bad cramps if you have to stay in bed that much, right? How long have the other kids known? Ah, but don't worry. I'll protect you well."

"Um… Uh…" Remus bolted away, slamming into Severus in the way. Severus stood frozen, before gaining enough sense to run before Lily saw him.

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Snape closed his eyes, deep in thought. He was currently in the Slytherin dormitory, and all of his roommates backed off because of the aura he gave off.

He sighed.

Remus Lupin has always disappeared once a month. That was true. He (she?) also looked very… effeminate. And Lily, sweet Lily, was no fool. She was usually right about everything.

So.

Lupin.

A girl.

He sighed again. Merlin, this was confusing. He had always thought of Remus as merely "Moony", one of the Marauders. His enemy. But now that he actually thought about it, Remus never actually attacked him, only watched, and sometimes even **protected** him from the other insufferable Gryffindors. And now that he thought about it, Snape had to admit that he was grateful, but only a little. After all, Slytherins did not show unnecessary emotion. So. Tomorrow, he'd say thank you.

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"You're **kidding**," said Sirius, unbelieving. "We thought that Lily Evans basically asked you out in public, but she actually thought you were a girl? This is hilarious!"

"She didn't ask me out. She just told me that she'd 'protect' me... Merlin, this is so messed up!" Remus ranted.

James was relieved, truly **truly** relieved, that Lily didn't like Remus, but refused to let it show. "Let me get this. Lily thinks you're a girl, and Snivellus overheard you, and probably thinks you are a girl as well." He grinned. "Oh the pranks we can pull…"

"I am NOT becoming material for a joke. This is seriously not funny."

"What do I have to do with it, Moony?" asked Sirius.

"Come _on_, Padfoot. That joke's been overused by hundreds of fanfiction writers already; it's just not funny anymore. Knock it off. But really, that girl is so bright, yet sometimes so dense. She notices my absences and all that, but draws a completely ridiculous conclusion from it," Lupin seethed. "Argh!"

Pettigrew had been so quiet that they actually forgot he was in the room. "Um… Can we just move on to talking about our next prank?"

Prongs grinned. "Certainly, my dear Wormtail. I have a most brilliant idea using flower pots, jelly, and tons of mini-fireworks."

Remus calmed down a bit, thinking the discussion to be over. But a quick look at Prongs and Padfoot would have revealed that the worst was yet to come.


	2. Chapter 2

**I am not fond of slavery. Owning Harry Potter is just inhumane and no better than the horrible Dursleys who treated him like a slave.**

It was nighttime. As soon as Remus fell asleep, James knocked the wood frame of his own bed in a very specific pattern: Knock, knock. Pause. Knock. Pause. Knock. Knock. Knock. Sirius and Peter rose from their beds and turned to James. There was a particularly devious smirk on James's face. Sirius noticed. Peter yawned. Sirius hit Peter's shoulder. Peter yelped. James face-palmed. Sirius stood to attention, like a child being reprimanded.

"Ahem… If you gentlemen are done?" said Prongs, in full prankster mode.

"Yes," chorused Padfoot and Wormtail.

Prongs rubbed his hands in a megalomaniacal manner. Or a Marauder manner. It was the same, anyways.

"Remus as a girl is too good to pass up. Any ideas so far?"

"We could just dress him up as a girl," Wormtail said.

"No, too simple," replied Padfoot.

"Girl's hair?" supplied Prongs.

"Don't know how," replied Wormtail.

"I know!" said Padfoot.

Wormtail and Prongs caught each other's eye, then turned to Padfoot. "How?" they asked incredulously.

Padfoot shrugged. "When you're popular with the birds, you just pick some stuff up. Especially in the morning after, when they fix their hair and makeup."

Wormtail gagged. "TMI, Paddy. TMI."

Prongs shook the image out of his head. "How about we do both? Transfigure his clothes and charm his hair?"

Padfoot grinned. Then he started laughing.

"Shh!" shushed Prongs and Wormtail. "You'll wake up Moony."

Padfoot nodded, and tried to wipe off his smile, failing horribly. "Well, you know how Moony is regarded as a beast?"

The other two nodded, as if to say, "GET ON WITH IT!"

"Well, instead of Moony being an inner **beast**… He's an inner **beauty**!"

Wormtail choked. "Weird. How do you know the story in the first place?"

Said the dog animagus, "I have my ways."

Prongs just sighed and got to work.

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Remus's day started out normal. He woke up at 5:55 and took a five minute shower. He hummed happily to the tune of Animal by Neon Trees. He stopped and felt the irony and anachronism, then continued thinking that it didn't matter anyways. He dried his hair.

That's when everything started to go wrong.

His hair started growing long. Remus's eyes widened. Commented the mirror, "My, what long hair you have!" Grabbing the scissors conveniently placed nearby, he attempted to hack it off. What happened next was bizarre and rather surreal. His hair, as if it were sentient, sashayed from the reach of the cutting utensil and arranged itself in an awesome hairstyle- for a girl. He tried again, and his hair formed curls. Once more. His hair then made a long braid. If Remus wasn't imagining things, then every time, his hairstyles became more elaborate! He gave up and put on his clothes.

Then, yet another abnormal event happened. As soon as he put on his pants, it transfigured into a dress. He took it off, and it turned normal. He grabbed another pair, and the same thing happened again. It was a beautiful gold dress that went a little past his knees, with short sleeves. Wondering vaguely if all his clothes were charmed, he stole Sirius's pants. It turned to a ball gown. Giving it up as a bad job, he sighed. He put on the previous pair (because ball gowns are just too much) and summoned forth warm water to dip the remaining Marauders' hands in.

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Remus walked down to the kitchens and tickled the pair. He was greeted enthusiastically by various house-elves.

"Good morning, Mistress!"

Remus pinched the end of his nose. "I am male. This is a prank. I'm Remus Lupin, remember?"

Green heads bobbed up and down in motions reminiscent of nods. "Good morning, Mistress Lupin!"

"Never mind. May I have some food?"

Immediately, three house-elves offered a choice of muffins, French toast, and pancakes. The muffins had chocolate chips. Remus took the muffins.

"Thanks!" he called as he left.

_Now what should I do? _thought Remus. _I can't go to class looking like this. McGonagall says I have no shame, but I do have __**male pride**__. And I'll be damned if Padfoot gets a picture of me in drag._ Unfortunately, there was only one place that Marauders feared to tread, and that was the library. The whole lot of them had been banned as Prongs …accidentally… set Runes books on fire in third year. Pince had gone on about being disrespectful and that their son's grandsons will be banned from entering the library if they dared to step in again. But this was his male pride at stake; it had to be worth it.

As quietly as he could, Remus snuck in. He expertly avoided the front desk and hid in a corner. He picked up a book and started to read, as there was really not much else to do.

**Well... review? And if there's any plot points you want me to sneak in, please tell me!**


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